I don’t know who I want to be when I grow up. And I’m an adult with a mortgage and children, so that feels like something I should have figured out by now. But whenever I try to picture my future, my brain just throws a 404 error: Future Not Found.
It’s not for lack of interests. Or skills. Or ideas. I just genuinely can’t see it.
When people talk about five-year plans or career paths, I feel like they’re describing some secret map everyone got except me.
My brain shows me static. Or fog. Or vibes. Definitely not a vision.
ADHD definitely doesn’t help.
My brain organizes time into two categories: now, and not now — and anything in the “not now” category may as well be happening on Mars.
So trying to imagine a whole career path? Yeah, no.
I’ve spent most of my life reacting to the present, managing chaos both figurative and literal, it’s like my brain never got the chance to build a mental picture of “what comes next.”
There are no landmarks, no map, nothing to visualize. Just… space.
Emotionally, it’s a weird mix of embarrassment and frustration.
Embarrassment because I feel like I should have a direction by now; frustration because every time I try to find one, it feels like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions. Just a bunch of pieces and a sinking feeling I’m about to do it wrong.
And the only time I’ve ever felt even remotely close to fulfilling some kind of “purpose” was becoming a stay-at-home mom — because at least that job is obvious.
There’s a need, I meet it.
There’s a problem, I solve it.
But motherhood doesn’t pay the bills, and if I’m honest, it’s not a long-term goal either.
I know for my mental health that I need other forms of stimulation.
(The mother guilt around admitting that could be its own essay.)
Which brings me to the whole “returning to work” thing.
How do you pick a direction when you’ve never been able to see one?
Every time I try to imagine what I could do next, it feels like throwing darts at a list of careers I’m not even sure I like.
I know what I’m capable of, but capability and desire are not the same thing.
And I’ve spent so many years in survival mode that I’m not even sure what I genuinely enjoy anymore.
So here I am, doing the most ADHD thing imaginable: using AI as a personality mirror.
Not to find a dream job (please), but to help me narrow down the tiny things I might actually enjoy.
Because left to my own devices, I’ll stare at a blank page until I dissociate.
With AI, at least someone is handing me breadcrumbs — little ideas, little experiments — so I can try things without having to magically know my entire life direction first.
So maybe I don’t need a full vision yet.
I definitely don’t have a five-year plan or a crystal-clear identity.
Maybe right now, it’s enough to follow the breadcrumbs and try things that spark something in me — even if it’s tiny.
And who knows?
Maybe if I keep taking these little steps, one day the future will actually load.
No more 404 error.
Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.