This morning my spouse was in the shower at 7:30. Meanwhile, I could hear the baby stirring, the eldest still needed breakfast and a lunch made, and the clock was ticking toward our 8:10 departure.
My gut reaction? “Must be nice.”
Must be nice to wake up, do your thing, and not juggle tiny humans and a lunchbox in the same breath.
But here’s where years of therapy kicked in. Within moments, I realized: I wasn’t actually mad at my spouse. He’s a present and attentive partner, and usually mornings are a shared rhythm. Today was just off.
The truth was, I was jealous. Not jealous of him as a person, but of his autonomy. He could step into the shower uninterrupted. I, on the other hand, felt stretched so thin that even five minutes of unclaimed time feels like a luxury.
How to Name a Feeling (By Actually Feeling It)
Therapy taught me that naming feelings isn’t just a brain exercise — it’s a body exercise. Emotions live in the body long before our brain puts words to them. When I pause and tune in, I notice:
Anxiety: lives squarely in my chest, tight around my heart.
Nervous energy: sits lower in my belly, almost the same sensation as anxiety but buzzing in a different place.
Anger: tingles up my neck and into my hands like static electricity.
Sadness: knots my throat, my salivary glands activate, and my nose pinches like I’m about to sneeze.
And here are some other common places emotions often show up:
Fear: cold in the stomach, sometimes paired with a racing heart.
Shame: a sinking feeling in the gut, paired with wanting to shrink or hide.
Joy: a light, expansive feeling in the chest — warmth radiating outward.
Grief: heavy weight pressing on the chest, like it’s hard to breathe.
Love / affection: warmth in the chest, softening in the face and jaw.
Stress / overwhelm: tension in the shoulders, tightness in the jaw or temples.
A Quick Side Note on Anger
Here’s something I’ve learned (and it took me years to really get this): anger is a core emotion — but in real life, it’s often a secondary one.
Anger exists on its own. It’s one of the universal human emotions, and we feel it in the body as heat, tension, clenched fists, a rush of energy.
But most of the time when we feel anger, it’s not the first emotion that showed up. It’s what happens after a deeper, more vulnerable feeling arrives:
Hurt can turn into anger.
Fear can turn into anger.
Shame, rejection, or grief can all spark anger.
Anger is like the bodyguard that storms in to protect you — it’s louder, sharper, and feels more powerful than sadness or fear. But if you stop at anger, you never uncover what’s really going on underneath.
That’s why I try to pause and ask: “What’s hiding behind this anger?” Because more often than not, it’s something softer, like sadness or envy, that actually needs care.
Why This Matters
Feelings are like pop-ups on your computer. If you don’t click into them, they’ll keep distracting you from what actually matters. Naming the feeling doesn’t erase exhaustion or fix the morning rush, but it does stop me from projecting the wrong emotion onto the wrong person.
Try This: Name It → Trace It → Reframe It
Next time you get hit with that “must be nice” moment, try this:
Name It — Close your eyes for a second. Where is the sensation in your body? Chest, belly, throat, hands? That’s your clue.
Trace It — What emotion usually shows up there? Is this really anger, or is it jealousy, sadness, fear?
Reframe It — Once you know the true feeling, ask what you actually need. (More rest? A break? An easier system for lunches?)
The goal isn’t to eliminate the feeling — it’s to understand it. Because when we name it, we take away its power to control us.
A Final Note
If you’re in the middle of these moments too, you’re not alone. I’m right here with you — figuring it out, tripping over my own reactions, and practicing the pause one morning at a time. Therapy hasn’t made me immune to frustration, but it has given me the tools to recognize what’s really happening underneath.
And that’s where the real growth happens.
✨ If this resonated with you, share it with a friend who might need the reminder. We’re all in this together.
Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.