I was diagnosed with OCD last year.
But at the time, I sort of nodded, shrugged, and filed it away behind my ADHD diagnosis (and a few other things). ADHD felt loud, urgent, chaotic.
OCD felt… quieter. Less pressing. Maybe even misdiagnosed.
Because in my mind, OCD meant scrubbing your hands raw or checking the stove ten times before leaving the house.
That wasn’t me.
So I didn’t give it much thought.
But recently in therapy, we started talking about rumination — the kind where I replay conversations from three years ago, spiral over text messages, and try to emotionally “solve” things that have no solution.
That, it turns out, is OCD.
Then I read about somatic OCD — hyper-awareness of bodily sensations. My need to know where the bathroom is at all times. The “just in case” pee. The tension that builds when something feels off in my body and I can’t stop noticing it.
Also OCD.
Now I’m starting to see it everywhere — woven into my days in ways I didn’t recognize before.
So… What Is OCD, Really?
I knew the name. I even had the diagnosis. But I didn’t really understand it — not in a this explains my entire internal operating system kind of way.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has two core components:
Obsessions: intrusive, unwanted thoughts, images, or urges that cause distress or anxiety
Compulsions: behaviours (or mental acts) that try to neutralize that distress or prevent something bad from happening
And here's something I didn’t know until recently:
➡️ Everyone has weird thoughts.
➡️ Everyone has little rituals or behaviours that bring comfort.
That’s not a disorder. That’s just being human.
OCD begins where the loop begins — when thoughts become constant, when rituals feel urgent or non-negotiable, when the relief never really lasts.
It’s not about being tidy or quirky or “just like that.”
It’s about being stuck in a cycle that quietly eats your time, your energy, your peace.
The Forms I Didn’t See Coming
I thought OCD would be obvious — something visible or extreme. But a lot of what I’m learning now is how invisible it can be. How many of my habits weren’t quirks, but compulsions.
Here’s what it looks like for me:
Mental checking
Replaying conversations. Obsessing over decisions. Looking for proof I didn’t mess something up.Somatic focus
Hyper-awareness of my body — the urge to pee “just in case,” overanalyzing discomfort, panic when something feels off.Moral OCD
Constantly scanning for whether I was rude, inappropriate, offensive, or “wrong.” Feeling like a bad person for having a thought.“Just right” rituals
Rewriting lists. Reorganizing things until they feel balanced. Not for aesthetics — for relief.Parenting hyper-responsibility
The fear that if I don’t double-check, triple-check, something bad will happen and it’ll be my fault.Magical thinking
Quiet mental rules. If I think something bad, I have to cancel it out with a good thought. If I do things a certain way, maybe I’ll avoid regret.
None of it seemed like OCD.
Until I looked closer.
I’m Still in the Middle of This
I don’t have a system.
I don’t have a solution.
I’m just starting to notice the patterns and name them for what they are.
Some days I can catch the loop mid-spin.
Other days, I don’t see it until I’m already tangled up in it.
It’s disorienting to realize how long I’ve lived with this — how much of it I thought was just personality, sensitivity, anxiety, or “too much.”
Right now, I’m somewhere between awareness and action.
Not healed. Not fixed. Just… paying attention.
And that has to be enough for now.
Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.