Regulation Isn’t a Reward — It’s a Requirement

We had a good day.
Like, actually good.

The kind where you check your watch and think, we’re making decent time, and no one’s shoes are lost, and the baby didn’t blow out his diaper on the way there.

But “good” doesn’t mean easy — especially not for neurodivergent nervous systems.

Because the real chaos didn’t hit during the fun.
It hit after.
When we walked in the door.

That’s when my oldest completely unraveled over the wrong spoon.
And I snapped at him for asking the same question seven different ways.
And the baby started scream-crying just as I remembered we had no clean bottles.

In the past, I would’ve seen this as a meltdown out of nowhere. A failure. A bad end to a good day.
But now I know: the crash is part of the process.

It’s the cost of overstimulation.
Of skipped snacks, missed rest, and too much input all at once.
It’s what happens when we don’t build in time to land.

What dysregulation looks like in our house:

• Question loops (him) and decision paralysis (me)

• Giddy energy that tips into wildness

• Picking fights, crying over little things

• Noise sensitivity, rigid thinking

• Mom getting short — fast

And that’s just the early signs.

So now?
We try something different.

Our recovery plan (on a good day):
🧃 Snack first. Before the feelings, before the questions, before anything.
📺 Low-demand TV. Something familiar and quiet.
🛋️ No new asks. Just space to sit near each other and do nothing.
🧸 Cozy corner. Blankets. Headphones. The softest thing in the house.
🤫 Silence without isolation. He doesn’t want to be alone — he just doesn’t want to be talked at.

Sometimes it works.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
But we’re learning that waiting for the meltdown to prove he’s dysregulated is like waiting for the storm to hit before closing the windows.

This isn’t coddling.
It’s co-regulation.

It’s setting the stage so we can land softer, fall apart slower, and maybe even skip the explosion altogether.

Because regulation isn’t a reward for good behaviour.
It’s the baseline we all need to function.

And if that means cereal for dinner and screens for an hour while we recalibrate?
Then that’s the plan.

No shame. No guilt.
Just recovery.

Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.