This week was a messy mix of kid chaos, burnout, and a whole lot of self-reflection. My husband and I kept circling the same realization: if we want connection, we can’t keep living like we’re only available on our terms.
For a long time, we filtered invitations through the lens of “Does this line up with what we like? Does this fit into the exact version of how we want to spend our time?” If the answer wasn’t a solid yes, we’d bow out. Our reasoning was always the same—our time is precious, our energy is limited, and we can’t afford to waste either.
But here’s what we’ve realized: maybe the activity doesn’t matter as much as the company. Maybe protecting our preferences so fiercely has actually been costing us connection.
Relationships don’t grow when you only show up for what’s convenient. Sometimes investing in people means saying yes to things that don’t naturally appeal to you. It means adjusting, compromising, and risking a little discomfort—because otherwise, you risk not being included at all.
That doesn’t mean we’ll suddenly become “yes” people. There will absolutely be times we still say no. The difference now is that we want those no’s to come with honesty, not avoidance. Instead of quietly disappearing, it might sound like: “I’m really overstimulated today because my kids are feral. If you want that version of me, I can come—but I might not be good company.”
It’s not about pretending we have energy we don’t—it’s about giving people the choice to meet us where we are. And that’s a continual battle for us. We’re quick to draw conclusions, to avoid topics or people that make us uncomfortable. But if we want to be invited in—if we want to belong—then we can’t keep expecting everyone else to bend toward us. We have to meet them halfway. Sometimes that means showing up tired, messy, and less than polished.
Takeaway for you: If you’re feeling left out, maybe the next step isn’t waiting for the perfect invitation—it’s saying yes to the imperfect one. And when you do have to say no, try saying it with honesty, not avoidance. Because the activity won’t always matter. The company does.
Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.