The Friendship Files

Let’s talk about friendship.
Not the highlight reel kind. The hard kind. The kind that slips through your fingers-even when you want to hold on.

If you live with ADHD or mental health struggles, friendship can feel… complicated.
We care deeply. We notice every shift in tone, every delayed text, every vague emoji. We analyze, then overanalyze. We play out conversations in our heads, searching for the moment where something went sideways—sometimes real, sometimes imagined.

We’re so sensitive to rejection that even perceived rejection can knock us flat. We become the fixer, the over-functioner, the one who gives more, reaches out more, plans more—just to avoid being left behind.

And here’s something I don’t think enough people say: This is exhausting.
Even when we want to connect, the constant emotional math makes it hard to just be.

Here’s what I’ve learned—very slowly and painfully—about myself and friendship:

I’ve never managed to maintain friendships from my youth. Not one. And in hindsight, I understand more now (that’s probably a newsletter for another time). But it’s taken me into my 30s to see just how much I’ve always struggled with the “rules” of friendship. Social etiquette doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m not confident around new people—but that confidence is often what you need to build the connection in the first place.

I also don’t handle conflict well. At all. The slightest upset sends me spiralling. If something feels off, I physically cannot pretend otherwise. I can’t make eye contact, can’t mask it—it’s written all over me.

And yet, I try so hard to avoid the conflict entirely. Not because I don’t care—but because my anxiety grabs the wheel.
Like many people with ADHD and mental health struggles, I’m not great at explaining myself in the moment. I get tangled trying to say things perfectly. Trying to express exactly what I mean without coming across too intense or too emotional.
And while I know I communicate best in writing, I also know my words often fall flat when they’re not paired with tone, eye contact, or context.

🧠 Friendship or Fixation?

A Self-Check for the ADHD Spiral:

• Am I assuming intent, or responding to facts?

• Has this person actually said or done something hurtful—or am I filling in blanks with fear?

• Have I communicated how I’m feeling, or am I hoping they’ll just “get it”?

• Am I treating their silence or absence as rejection, when it might just be life?

• Am I overextending myself again to feel secure in the relationship?

• Would this friendship feel safe and steady if I didn’t chase it?

Here’s something else it’s taken me into my 30s to learn:
Friendship isn’t about how many people are in your orbit. It’s about who feels safe in your inner circle.

When I was younger, I used to think I didn’t have enough friends. But the truth is, I never really had one good one. And sometimes—just having one good one is more than enough.

That kind of friendship—the kind where you can be fully yourself, where you don’t have to perform or over-explain—is worth more than any group chat or birthday dinner invite list.

So if you’re someone who only has one or two people you truly trust, you’re not lacking. You’re lucky. Friendship doesn’t need to be loud or constant to be real. Sometimes it’s just knowing someone sees you, and stays.

And if you don’t have that person yet? You’re still worthy of it. You’re still worth knowing.
And maybe that starts with being a better friend to yourself, too.

You’re not too much.
You’re not broken.
You’re just basically coping.
And that’s more than enough for today.

Talk soon,
Tara
CEO of Chaos & Co.